My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
