don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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