Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I won the penis lottery.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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