Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
