listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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