thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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