I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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