I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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