I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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