I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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