Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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