textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
