Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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