I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
