i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
