i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
