just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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