Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
