I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
