even my farts smell like vagina
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
