just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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