Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
