I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
