last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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