If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
