It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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