my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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