Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
