$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
