Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
