Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
