just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
