She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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