My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she pinky promised me she was 18
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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