Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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