My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
