Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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