I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
