I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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