Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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