I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
