i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
