Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
