Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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