she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
