It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Pants are for mortals
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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