and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
