So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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