You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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