Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
