Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
