Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
