just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
