omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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