She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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