when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Help me help you realize you are a moron
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
