I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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