i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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